Aries: You’ll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday- which, as luck would have it. Is your first day as a massage therapist.
Leo: From Thursday forward, your name wil be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
Sagittarius: This week’s smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all the remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
Taurus: The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you’ve caused, but they’re not heartless, so they’ll let you keep the bison.
Virgo: There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral Choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Capricorn: The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless and efficient in exposing your crimes. But at one point you’ll be able to see right down her blouse.
Gemini: The little black dress is an instant sophisticator--slimming, elegant, and timeless, but you’d be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Libra: Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attack it to a water skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they’ll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
Aquarius: Today is a positive day today for you, Later you should find your self filled with wealth, but a random car will appear while your in class and hit you. Don’t worry you won’t die but you have a math test the day after.
Cancer: Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
Scorpio:Things will be back to normal in a couple of weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
Pisces: The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.
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